"And Both Babies? Are Amaaaaaaazing!"

I have an unhealthy obsession with pop culture, but there are a few things that gross me out. Guilty pleasures are only okay if you draw the line somewhere, and I draw it at celebrity babies.

When did we let this happen? When did celebrity babies become more popular than their parents? Why are there 4-page spreads dedicated to Suri Cruise's outfits? When did "A Day in the Life of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt" become worthy of a magazine cover story? 

Sure, Kingston Stefani-Rossdale and Maddox are both hip, hip dudes. And Violet Affleck is precious. Hell, Nicole Richie's baby is already cooler than we will ever be and she's what, a week old?

But you know what happens to celebrity babies? They grow up and become the Olsen twins. Or: Rumer Willis.  You think Paris Hilton is a narcissistic B? These kids have articles on the AP wire detailing their potty training. Everything from the initial "bump watch" to their 21st birthday is front page news. Do they even have a chance to grow up normal?

Here is why I'm bringing all of this up: there are three celebrity babies that I want to know about.  Just three. And everybody - including you - wants the dirt on their lives. 

These kids are fascinating for millions of reasons, but mainly they're interesting because we know nothing about them. They don't have cameras in their face 24/7. We didn't get to tour their nursery in US Weekly. Hell, up until yesterday I had never seen their faces. That's right:

YOU GUYS!!! IT'S PRINCE MICHAEL AND PARIS JACKSON!! JUST WALKING AROUND ALL NORMAL!! WITHOUT BLANKETS ON THEIR HEADS!! WHAT IS GOING ON???

Jackson kid-sightings are as rare as a unicorn, so you're welcome for posting that. These kids live in Dubai, where they have skiing in the desert and a man-made island shaped like a palm tree just for the hell of it. Not to mention you-know-who for a dad, a little brother named Blanket and the Elephant Man bones as a godfather.

I know nothing about their lives but I can guarantee that it's CRAZY and I have been waiting for these kids to write a tell-all memoir since the day they were born. The fact that they are walking around in public brings me one step closer to knowing the truth and I am ecstatic that this will happen in my lifetime.

Meanwhile, Adam and Jaime recently gave me this:

... and obviously this needs to be an event. Who is up for a Dangerous Party?  I think I will throw a Dangerous Party in the next month or so. YES.

And while we're on the topic of celebrity babies and crazy, here's a great montage of my favorite TV character, Kelly Kapoor: