NOTE: This entry starts out incredibly depressing, but my favorite funny thing that I always forget to tell you is at the end. This isn’t a complete sobfest. I promise.

A couple of nights ago, Pat and I were watching TV at the Nortfort. We were flipping between “America’s Got Talent” and “Dateline: People Who Raise Monkeys as Children”.

When we flipped back to America’s Got Talent, they introduced this cute little boy named David. He was there to sing. They showed footage of him being supercute. "You Are Not Alone" by Michael Jackson started playing in the background. His mom talked about his autism. Then when the kid started talking, this happened:

Me: *gasp*

(Pat freezes)

Me: *cooing*

(Pat coughs and shifts uncomfortably)

Me: *gasp* aaaaaawwwwwwwwwohmygodohmygodawwwwww

Pat: Steph, I think I'm going to change the channel.

Me: What? Why?

Pat: You keep making those noises.

Me: Do you think I’ll make them LESS or MORE when you flip back to the monkeys dressed as babies?

Pat: …

Me: …

Pat: Wow. You’ve kind of got me there.

Me: See?

Pat: I'm actually stumped.

You will make that noise too (and possibly cry) when you watch the following clip.

And then – just like both of us – you will scream in horror when David Hasslehoff gives his vote. Watch him. WATCH THE HOFF. AGH.

 
I don't think I'll be able to sleep until I know he's okay.

On the plus side, Buffy the Vampire Slayer was half price at Best Buy so I bought like 4 seasons. Obviously not the season where Joyce dies, but definitely the ones with Seth Green and Millie from Freaks and Geeks. That should get me through the weekend.

And THANK GOD it's supposed to be in the 70's tomorrow. The only thing I hate more than sleepless nights and open heart surgery is that annual 2 mile walk to the park with a tummy full of beer in 95 degree weather. I don't think I could've handled that this year.

Despite how stressed I am in general and how tired I am just thinking about tonight (downtown bar hopping for Jason's birthday - mandatory because he is so wonderful and awesome), I think tomorrow is going to be a good day. I am really looking forward to it, rain or shine. It couldn't have come at a better time.

Case in point - this guy:

Well then, I was just kicking back and enjoying an ice cream sandwich, when my mom and her friends started laughing. I turned around and saw this:

Yup, that's the same mime that stalked Jen and I at the Voltron party (it's at the very end of this entry). I tried to play it off ("Oh, hey dude. Long time no see. You grew a mustache? That's cool."), but he kept making that face at me. Eventually my survival instincts kicked in and I did what anyone else would do in my situation: I threw my mom at him.

My best friends are all floating this weekend (a biblical fload can't stop the party), so I thought I would be bored but it's been cool. I went to a party for Sara and Dave at Jaime and Adam's house, and that was really fun. Their daughter is super hilarious and adorable and she has the coolest basement full of toys; I wish Jaime and Adam would adopt me. 

Saturday night was a flashlight dance party that I can't even begin to describe. Okay, I'll try. It was less like a rave and more like a Drama Club slumber party - lame wine coolers and cheetos included. My KC friends are special brand of bitchin' that I can't really put into words. Pandy and I did the Pet Shop Dance and brought the house down.

OMG OMG I forgot to tell you guys, I am now official Myspace friends with my true love Cloud. He is dreamy squared.  

The rest of the weekend, I stay up in the apartment just working on my fitness. Jason's my witness. My coworker loaned me his Wii Fit and it is CRAAAAAAZY. It's like my Nike Plus - straight out of the future! I love it! I have been dominating the yoga categories and balance games, but Jason is kicking my ass at strength training. It's so much fun; I need to get one asap. 

~~~*~~~ 

They found a vein for my dad's surgery - lots of veins in fact, which is good because he will need more vein transplants in the future. That's one reason why they want to get his heart in a better condition for the future. It's a risky surgery for someone like him, but the doctors all seem confident. Most importantly, my dad is not scared at all. So please send prayers if you pray, and I will let you know how that is going.

~~~*~~~ 

I walked over to the park this morning and read Camp Camp in it's entirety, and that officially kicked off summer for me. Last summer was without a doubt the best summer of my life, but I plan on outdoing myself this year.

And I have to say, wearing neon pink shorts and a neon green t-shirt, eating a bomb pop from the ice cream truck and reading a book about summer camp next to a creek was just as sweet as riding my bike to 7-11 for candy last year. Possibly more so. Summer kicks ass.

So, cool things have been happening, aside from the whole dad's triple bypass thing. (They still haven't found a vein, but I will keep you posted.) Honestly I don't know how much of this entry will be anecdotal or relevant or interesting to read; it's more for me today. Things might get rough soon, so I need to remember how great life actually is at the moment.

Last Sunday, Janet and I went to Mates of State! It was at the Bluebird, which is a cute venue aside from the fact that (a) the stage is too low and (b) there is ZERO AIR CIRCULATION. That was NOT FUN on a 95-degree day, especially when you planned on dancing through the whole show.

The opening bands were cool, especially Gentleman Auction House. I recognized a few members from college. They had two of my favorite ingredients - two drummers and lots of happy shouting. I LOOOOVE bands that have too many people to fit onstage. They were seriously great and I plan on catching them again someday.

I don't remember the second band because this is when it started to get really hot and everyone was like, "Oh crap, another band." I wandered out of the crowd for a while and bumped into Superfun Yeah Yeah Rocketship by the bar. He got a well-deserved high five from me. I never wrote about his show because he is much better when you have no idea what to expect. Seriously, go see him.

So Mates of State were amazing - I had always wondered how if they could pull off that sound live, but they sounded exactly the same. And just as I expected, they made goo goo eyes onstage through most of the show, or at least Jason Hammel did. He also teased his wife for having pit stains from all of the heat. Somehow: still cute. Even though there were a bunch of tall people in front of us, I managed to have a good view of at least one of their faces at all times. They played all of my favs except for "Open Book" and all of the songs were perfect.

About 2/3 through the show it just got too crowded up front and I almost got smushed, so I joined Janet in the back. I was bummed about it at first but then! When the show was over they walked offstage and WALKED RIGHT BY US! Jason Hammel is taller than Pat and he SMILED AT ME AND WE FIST BUMPED. Then I HIGH FIVED KORI GARDNER! Later she moseyed through the crowd and Janet made my year when she pulled a camera out of her purse:





OMG OMG OMG that was so awesome. Big ups to Janet, and big ups to the guy who couldn't figure out her camera, because we got to talk to Kori for a minute.

So now I have seen 4 out my 5 favorite living bands: Beastie Boys, Mates of State, Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Polyphonic Spree. That just leaves Gogol Bordello. Who wants to go bananas with me? 

~~~*~~~ 

On Tuesday, they had the screening for Groups 1 & 2 of the 48-Hour Film Festival. I've never been to one of these screenings before and I was super impressed by what people managed to create in such a short amount of time. Overall it was just such a positive atmosphere, like a graduation or something.

The majority of my team (Porkchop Express!) had never even seen the film which also added to the excitement. Katie and Joe did an amazing job with the drawing, animation and editing. It was crazy hearing our voices onscreen at my favorite theater and being surrounded by an audience laughing at our jokes.

~~~*~~~ 

Uuuummm... Friday night I went out to dinner with Jen, Ron and Pat and went to my first Dub Kitchen show. These guys play poker with my friends, and they also perform at this event called The Spot that Ron throws every year at the only place I like to camp.

I thought we were going to see a movie (and again, I dated a hippy for two years which resulted in little-to-no tolerance for reggae) so I was kind of a turd about it but I'm glad I went, if only to see the Venice Cafe. Holy crap! It's like the City Museum and Blueberry Hill had a baby. Definitely one of the coolest places I've ever seen*. The floors and walls were covered in mosaics and kitsch - my home planet for sure.

Dub Kitchen was pretty great and everyone I met seemed really nice. Maybe I will go to The Spot this year. The bigger it gets the more it weirds me out and makes me uncomfortable. Pat and his roommate seem hell-bent on doing security ("The Bash Brothers", natch) so at least I would be safe. We'll see.

 
Sunday was the busiest day I've had in a while. I met baby Ryan for the first time and he is PRECIOUS. He's six weeks old, which I think is the tiniest a baby can be without being all fragile and scary to hold. Baby Ryan's dad is Peter, who was my very first boyfriend a million years ago. CRAZY. It was heartwarming and amazing to see Peter as a dad, and I'm glad I got to give him a hug on Father's Day.

Also? I saw Thoroughly Modern Millie with my grandma which was 8 million times darker than I thought it was going to be. We saw it at Stages and my Grandma was grossed out by how many old people were there.

"I could never live at one of those places... you know, where the old people go?" she told me. "I could never be around that many old people. I hate looking at them and I never want to be one." THEN she told me she has the hots for Mr. Big from Sex and the City. Then I went deaf from weirdness and stopped listening to her.  

All in all, good stuff. I'll try to keep it up.

*Janternet! I told my friends that you had your wedding reception there and everyone thought that was the absolute coooooolest. And, it is.

My mom has this habit of saying one word when she means another. It gets pretty bad when she has a lot on her mind. Like, she'll ask me to pass the pepper when she means the salt. Usually it's not too bad and sort of cute, but yesterday it went a little too far.

When my dad had the blood clot in his leg last month, they did a heart catheterization to make sure it could pass through. They told us they found a lot of build-up so I should have seen this coming.

So yesterday morning, my mom calls me to tell me they were going to the hospital. "They're doing tests to find a good vein." (His veins are shrinking.)

"A vein for what?"

"For a heart transplant."

"A transplant!?"

"Mmmm-hmmm. They say it will prolong his life." ??????

I was AT WORK at the time, so I chugged about 4 mugs of chamomille tea and managed to keep my shit together, which I'm pretty proud of.  Then I went home and called a few friends for life, like Liz and Ty. They cheered me up like pros but eventually had to get off the phone. All of my in-town friends were busy, so I just sat at home and thought about it and sniffled. 

FINALLY I felt upbeat enough to call my dad without blubbering and making him feel worse.

SIDENOTE: My dad has this awesome way of delivering bad news - just straight up and matter of fact. "I ate lunch. Then the dog died. Then I got the mail. La la la." When 9/11 happened, he was the first person I called from London because I knew he would just tell it straight. "Oh, there was this plane. Then another plane. Then I made bacon!  Bloobie bloo." 

So I call him and he answers the phone all sweet and happy, and I asked him how he was doing.

"Well, my heart is kind of messy." (I LOVE HIM.)

"Yeah... so you're getting a transplant?"

"A what?"

"Mom said they want to do a transplant?"

"Oh, no no no. A triple bypass. I have three clogged veins."

"WHAT THE FFFF-"

"Stephie."

"-hell. What the hell. I've been sitting here all day thinking you needed a transplant."

"Oh gosh, no. Just a triple bypass." (JUST A TRIPLE BYPASS.) "If it was a transplant I'd be scared, but I'm not scared of this." (I LOVE HIM.)

So... crisis averted, for now. I told him he could have some of my veins because they're starting to stick out like Madonna's and it's gross. But he needs his own. I hope they find one.

~~~*~~~ 

ANYWAY I have more pressing matters at hand. I came home from work today and THE BIGGEST WASP I HAVE EVER SEEN FLEW RIGHT BY MY FACE and GRAZED MY NOSE.

I opened the door and frantically ran in place, whimpering and praying that he would fly out on his own.

It flew over to Plantasia and sat in my pepper plant, probably plotting his attack. I called Jason and screamed at him to get wasp spray like a pregnant woman in search of ice cream. "JUST BRING IT TO MEEEE!!!" Then I danced around the kitchen going "aaaahhhhh" for about 5 minutes.

And then: he flew onto the window. So I grabbed a big bowl and clamped it over him.

And then: I realized I had nothing to put underneath the bowl. I was stuck at the window with him. And he was pissed.

I tried to take a picture of him actual size, but he was curled up in rage. I swear to god he was an inch and a half. Measure my pinkie next time you see me: 

The door was still open on the other side of the appartment, so I pathetically said, "Hellooooo?" I stomped on the floor for a while, hoping my nosy neighbor (whom I adore) would come upstairs to check on me. I debated waving at the people in the condos next door but decided that would be creepy.

I stood holding a bowl to the window for a good ten minutes before I noticed an old newspaper on the shelf. I picked it up with my toes and slipped in underneath (going "ohmygodohmygodohmygod" the whole time). After ANOTHER ten minutes, I managed to tighten the paper around the giant bowl with my tiny hands. Then with a shriek, I used the force of gravity to knock him into the back of the bowl and swoop it all to the floor. 

I slipped a sturdy Rolling Stone underneath. Then I did a nervous raindance around the bowl, too scared to pick it up again. Finally I did, and I threw a rock on top.

Now he is outside, waiting for me:





Here is why Jason is awesome: he brought home wasp spray AND big beers AND Totinos pizza AND signed us up for cheaper cable.

Bypass Schmypass. How long do you think it takes a wasp to suffocate?

~~~*~~~ 

Completely unrelated - this is without a doubt the best email I have ever written: 

I just received some truly terrifying news about my dad. Not about his leg - this time it's his heart. There are only two ways this situation can go, and it's hard to be hopeful when both options are equally scary. We won't have an official prognosis until tomorrow, so I'll have fun sleeping thinking about that tonight.

I actually do have fun things to tell you (including HIGH FIVING MATES OF STATE), so I figured I would just throw the bad news out there and then bury it with happier stuff. I wish I could do that in real life. It can't hurt to try, I suppose. Anyway...

Today's TA/OA Confession is in honor of my dad. He is super SUPER Republican. He stays at home all day because of his vision and he LOVES listening to Conservative talk radio.

He has a radio in the kitchen, the den and his bathroom. During lunch he turns them all on so he can listen to the radio wherever he is. Also? He is kind of deaf so they're all turned up pretty high.

I lived in the basement through college and grad school, so if I was working on a paper, eating lunch or doing my laundry, my ears would be bombarded with Conservative talk radio the second I stepped upstairs. There is really no escaping it unless you have some Jimi Hendrix on-hand.

Eventually I learned to tune the radio out. It became white noise (even more than it already is, if you know what I mean). I stopped listening to what they were saying and just tolerated the tone of their voices. It blended in with the creaks in the floor, moans in the pipes and the smells in the air. Like the sound of the train I currently hear every day, it became something I connected with Being At Home. More importantly, that's how I know my dad is there.


TA/OA Confession #7: I am comforted (and possibly even soothed) by the sound of Rush Limbaugh's voice.

I am watching Overboard right now and I am so into it. When I was little, I would drop everything if Overboard was on the TV and apparently that hasn't changed one bit. Well, I don't have a crush on the twin boys anymore, but I can see why I did in third grade.

Tonight is MATES OF STATE!!! It is at The Bluebird and there are probably still tickets, so you guys should all go too, if only to watch me completely spazz out. I'm going with Janet, Ann and Courtney (TPC REUNION!) and I am beyond excited.

This weekend is also the 48 HOUR FILM PROJECT. I had a few great opportunities to participate this year, but ultimately Katie and Joe stole me from Pancake Productions (sorry RØB) for their team. THEN, we were lucky to have Jen, Ron and Pat join in the fun, too.

The film will be animated, so Joe and Katie have probably been awake since we left, drawing and mixing audio and all that stuff that they are so amazing at. We had a lot of fun doing read-throughs and throwing out ideas for new lines. That is the stuff I live for.

K&J created a great plot, but honestly if it were up to me I would make the whole film about Ford doing cute stuff:

Pat did some singing, I was dubbed "One Take Steph", Ron left to go to a rave (hee) for a bit but rocked, and Jen had a bunch of awesome ideas and did some great acting. Also, you won't get to see this on film but her hair was ridiculously fierce. Holy crap Jen.

I will tell you more about it (and possibly post a YouTube version?) later this week. Click that hyperlink above for more info about Tuesday's screening at The Tivoli. THANK YOU KATIE AND JOE; THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN!

I am so supersuper psyched about tonight. I may even go buy a new dress once I recover from mowing the lawn in 95 degree weather. If you like arts and crafts then this Mates of State video will make you shriek with delight and pass out:

Ugh. I can't even handle how cute these guys are. I really should hate them, but they are basically perfect.

1. Pat warned me about some of the more "robust" green teas, but I didn't listen. The Chinese Green Tips tea smells and tastes EXACTLY like I cooked up a box of frozen spinach in the microwave. Narsty.  I plan on buying new flavors during 2-for-1 sales, so if I hate it I can just be like, "Here Pat, I bought this for you."

2. I did not die during the tornado.

3. Two weeks after I pointed out that gay marriage will save the economy, someone in California did a news story about how gay marriage is saving the state economy.

4. Finally, Pandy and I had another video war, this time with early to mid-nineties hip hop. Basically, there had to be Cross Colors, little John Lennon sunglasses, ridiculous hats and condoms everywhere in order for it to count. I won when I found a video featuring my theme song since always ("Hat 2 Da Back") with a cameo by Immature.

"Ooooh On The TLC Tip" was my first cassette tape ever and it CHANGED MY LIFE. TLC was the best girl group of all time.  I had no idea what they were talking about in "Ain't 2 Proud 2 Beg" when it first came out, but TELL ME how a 10 year-old could not love this (nsfw):

Sidenote: we were appalled by that Immature song "Da Munchies". I remember being psyched that there were hip hop artists my age, but I DO NOT remember that somg being so weirdly innapropriate. Yikes.

2:20 - There is some SCARY rain going on right now and the power keeps flashing on and off. 

2:24 - The tornado sirens are going off right by my work!!

2:30 - They made everybody upstairs come downstairs and sit in the boardroom!

2:32 - Ginger just said, "All salary people in the boardroom... all hourly people can stay by the windows." LOL.

2:37 - Last week I listened to a This American Life where these kids were at a prom and a tornado hit. Spooky!

2:39 - Okay so now I really have to pee. And what if I go in the bathroom to pee and the tornado hits? And then I come out and the building is destroyed and everyone is dead, like the end of Usher's "Love in This Club" video?

2:42 - All the corporate people are now gathered on the other side of my cube wall,  talking loudly. Don't they know Mama Bear is in the Copy Cave? GET BACK IN THE BOARD ROOM!

2:45 - Which is worse - a tornado hitting while you are on the toilet, or pissing your pants during a tornado? You guys should know I am wearing khakis; it would be totally obvious.

2:47 - Oh doy, I guess you wouldn't be able to tell I peed my pants because I would be covered in rain water. Peeing my pants it is.

2:51 - Someone from upstairs just yelled out, "Do we know anything?" *cough*

2:53 - So a tornado was spotted in the country! Like, the nearby, relevent country! And it is supposed to get bad in ten minutes! I still have time to pee!

2:55 - The fun managers are in our department and someone just pointed out that the V.P. looks like Garth Brooks (he just shaved off his beard for the first time in forever).

3:00 - Garth Brooks Photoshopping Party in the Graphics Department!!

3:04 - Ok, the joke is wearing off. Is that tornado here yet?

3:10 - Did I tell you guys I got glasses today? I got computer glasses today. I have wanted glasses since always so I got a gigantic Daria-ish pair. I am so excited!

3:16 - So the second wave of the storm is hitting and they turned the sirens back on. I can hear the storm and I am in the center of the building surrounded by a bunch of chatty Cathys.

3:17 - Cathies? 

3:22 - See friends, this is why I always carry an orange in my purse. 

3:28 - So I heard my phone vibrating? And I thought, "Oh how nice. Someone loves me and wants to make sure I am okay." And I checked my voicemail and it was my dentist's office confirming my appointment.

3:33 - I mean, the dentist's office is like, 5 minutes away. Who confirms appointments during a tornado?

3:35 - "What's your favorite Garth Brooks song?" WONDERFUL.

3:44 - A tornado supposedly just touched down a mile away, at Jefferson Barracks! OMG!

3:49 - "Well, I guess if a tornado is going to hit, it might as well be in a cemetary," said Garth Brooks. 

While my dad was in the hospital, my mom and I were forced to watch a lot of Fox News. The Bill O'Reilly/Hilary Clinton debate was especially awesome (for my dad, and no one else).

And you guys... did you know that Fox News has a "Champs and Chumps" segment??? How gross is that? Why didn't anyone tell me about this? Is it because none of you watch Fox News??? Well, okay then. Just so we're clear, I got this idea from working at Pizza Hut, which is 100 times cooler than watching Fox News. Moving on...

Champs

New Computer Monitor: It's like an ice cold beer for my eyeballs. Aaahhhhhh....

Mates of State: Their new album is SUPER CUTE! And they are coming to town THIS SUNDAY!!!! I have an extra ticket! Anybody?

Lynda Barry: Because her new book, "What It Is," is as amazing as I expected it to be, and she gave a kick-ass interview on Talk of the Nation today.

Pat: Pat managed to do something my mom and best friend have been trying to do for decades - turn me into a tea drinker. Chamomile tea completely chills me out and helps me fall asleep (which is why he made it for me in the first place). Green Tea is all right, though I have yet to see any miracles of modern science that you tea drinkers have been promising me. Oh, and he told me that Lynda Barry would be on Talk of the Nation.

Del Monte Cored Pineapple: Yum yum. People often ask how I lost 35 pounds last year. There were a lot of factors, but I would say that considering pineapple (and fruit in general) as a dessert revolutionized my life. Eating pineapple is like the best part of my day (unless of course I am eating ice cream for dinner).

The Kid Who Found the Plastic-Eating Microorganism: First of all, how smart is this kid? I am voting him for President. I don't care if he's Canadian! Now i don't have to feel guilty about buying plastic tubs of pineapple twice a week (I'm sorry! I try to slice up real pineapple and I always hurt myself - it's not worth the one cubic inch of fruit I manage to get out of it).

Pink Shorts: It's Pink Shorts Season!  Yaaaaaaay!



Drunk Voicemails: The older and more grown up you get, the less often this happens. However, this was always the best part about waking up in the morning - they are always hilarious, and it's always so nice to know that people are thinking of you while you're home being lame. Well, Courtney and the rest of the TPC gals made my day when I checked my voicemail on Sunday morning! I love the TPC! Heart!

Rob Durham: Fun guy Rob is one of the comedians I had the pleasure of hanging out with at open mic nights last year. And he just got engaged! Congratulations Rob!

Jeff/Cheeseburger Cake: My 2nd favorite co-worker Jeff got married this weekend (wooo!), and to celebrate his boss brought in the greatest cake I have ever seen. I plan on making one myself this summer, but check out this slice of Cheeseburger Cake. It changed my life I think. So awesome:



Lost: You guys, Lost is so super sweet. Aside from a disappointing (possible spoiler alert!) possible death of my favorite character, they answered a lot of questions about this season and MORE IMPORTANTLY we FINALLY know why there were freaking POLAR BEARS on the Island. That only took FOUR YEARS. THANK YOU.

The MTV Movie Awards: Surprisingly almost awesome! Here are my Top 5 favorite moments:

1. Dance off between Mike Myers and Chris Brown.
2. WAYNE'S WORLD! TOP TEN! PARTY ON! EXCELLENT!
3. Jason Bateman and Ellen Page almost kissing.
4. Robert Downey, Jr. snubbing the Pineapple Express boys.
5. The cast of Get Smart presenting an award:

The Rock: Do you need me to open that envelope for you, Steve?
Steve Carrell: Hold on, Dwayne, I can handle this!
Audience Member: That's what she said!

See? It never gets old.

Chumps

Fox News: Why, Fox News? Why-yeeeeee?

Being Dead Inside: Creatively, professionally and socially. Dead. I have writer's block, my job is kind of discouraging, and I really have no desire to leave my apartment right now. I would like to say that this is because of the hot weather, but more than likely it's because I have a boy that I like. But booooo! I hate girls like that, right? Invite me out. Harass me until I agree. Call me drunk at 1am (THANK YOU FOR SERIOUS TPC). Also, tell me to write things that are not this stupid blog. 

Crestwood Mall: Oh I'm sorry. Crestwood COURT. Because first they honestly tried to use the Chanel logo as their logo after Westfield sold the property. Jen described the new sign perfectly by saying, "You know how people take a trash bag with like, Santa Claus on it and put it over a bush in their yard? It looks like that." They changed the logo about a week later, but now I'm mad because they are closing The Disney Store, which means my fun neighbors Sara and Dave are moving. I am sad about this! You guys can make me feel better by buying something from Pretty Fun Sara at the OLTA Art & Craft Fair this weekend.

Realizing How Grown-Up I Am: About 15 minutes into the MTV Movie Awards, Jason and I realized that all of the winners were voted by 15 year-old girls, so we threw out any reasonable predictions and called every winner correctly. "Johnny Depp!" "Step Up 2 The Streets!" "Johnny Depp again!" However, after realizing that 15 year old girls were probably the only ones WATCHING, I found every joke, drug reference and the mere presence of the Pussycat Dolls terribly inappropriate. I cringed at everything, with the full realization that when I was fifteen, I would have either gotten the joke or just not cared. Old old old. I am old.

Viral Pink Eye: Because people think it is bacterial pink eye WHICH IT IS NOT AND I HAVE THE DOCUMENTS TO PROVE IT and then you have to listen to people quote that entire scene from Knocked Up 200 times, puctuated by everyone's gross theory as to how you actually contracted pink eye.  Chris did give me one funny quip:

Chris: So what else are you doing to get rid of it?
Me: Well, right now I'm putting a teabag on my eye.
Chris: ... But isn't that how you got it in the first place?

And don't worry guys, it is basically gone - right now I look like those people in 28 Weeks Later who carried the zombie virus but didn't actually catch it - you know, with like that little dot on their eye? That's all. VIRAL VIRAL YOU GUYS IT WAS VIRAL.

Raspberry Beret by Prince: After Will Smith's "Miami", this is my least favorite song of all time. And yet, several radio stations I listen to insist on putting this into regular rotation when I am not in the position to change the dial. The worst part is the intro kicks ass, so I get tricked into getting excited. EVERY TIME.

Can you believe this guy?





Just kidding; it's his birthday. Happy birthday, Steve!

I just asked him if he was going to celebrate his "Super Sweet 27" and he said:

"Oh totally. Omarion is performing." 

... which is probably the second funniest thing he's ever said to me. I can't get over it. Oh my god.

Have a great one, Steve. You are awesome.

(Photo - my favorite of these guys, hands down - appears courtesty of Jen, who took this the day we all went shopping in Camden Town. I love this pic so much. Fun times.)

Let's break this down, friends. Let's drop some science. Gay science. 

I'll start out with some information from a 2000 census bureau*, along with a disclaimer:

Whilst the census cannot give us a figure for the number of people who are gay in America, it can inform us on how many same-sex partnership households identified themselves in the survey. The 2000 census tells us that:

• there are 105.5 million households in the USA;
• 5.5 million of these consist of unmarried partnerships;
• of these, 595,000 consist of same sex partners.
  

Now, we'll assume that there are more same-sex households in 2008. Factor out the couples who don't want to get married, as well as couples who live separately yet want to get married. So, we'll keep that number exactly the same. (This is also because I know nothing about anthropology. Also I've been drinking.)

Now let's say that all of those couples have been waiting to get married for a while, and once gay marriage is legalized they all start planning a wedding ceremony and reception to take place this year.**

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know that in 2006 I had to attend NINE weddings. So while I am not married and may never know the "pleasure", I am well versed in wedding registries. I still can't furnish my kitchen because I've had to buy nonsense like cake machines and slushie makers for all of you.

Okay, so let's say that these 595,000 couples each plan a wedding with an average guest list of 150 people.

And if those guests are anything like me, they'll grab one of those Bed Bath & Beyond coupons that come in the mail every day (seriously), and run to the nearest location to spend $40. Let's be honest: $30.  

So for each wedding (and keep in mind I am a dirt-poor recent college grad so I am grossly underestimating this), that's $4,500 into the economy.

Multiply that by 595,000, and that's $2,677,500,000 into the economy.

Not gas. Not war. Not taxes or morgages or economic stimulus checks. Over 2 and a half billion into the economy out of pure love and equal rights and supporting friends and family by celebrating their marriage.  

Now, this doesn't even factor in the actual cost of a wedding and how many businesses are devoted to this kind of event.  I have been to a few gay weddings (I will call them weddings regardless; eff you G.W.) and they were legendary. Corey Worthington couldn't even throw together a party like your average gay wedding.

I tried to look up the average cost of a wedding in the U.S. and I came across this article and almost spit beer all over the keyboard.  

$30,000 for a wedding?!?! Are you people crazy? I could pay off my student loans AND my car AND take a vacation to like, Branson for 30 grand. I know I live in the Midwest where I pay half as much for the exact same things as you kids on the coasts, but JESUS CHRIST. That is RIDICULOUS and UNNECESSARY.

I know everything about wedding registries but nothing about planning a wedding. But even a $10,000 wedding (which still makes me vomit; seriously it's one day...) for all of those couples would put almost $6,000,000,000 into the economy. 

That's a grand total of $8,627,500,000 into the economy. In a year. That's almost enough to buy proper bulletproof vests for our soldiers overseas. Think about it, George. Think about it.

*This is the article where I found that info. I shrieked with girlie joy when I saw those rainbow bullet points. Precious! 

**This may seem presumptuous but is in no way a stereotype; I'm strictly basing this on all the straight chicks I know.

JayJay and Weffs have the sickies.

We've both been slamming Nyquil on the regular, so we wrote our names on the little cups with a sharpie, like it's a kegger.

When I brought out the cups, Jason croaked, "Get the big red ones! It's a party! *coughcoughcough*"

~~~*~~~

Ever since I went to the Quilt Show in Paducah, Kentucky for work and we stopped at Dairy Queen on the way home, I've been infatuated with the concept of ice cream for dinner.

 A few weeks ago at a party, I shrieked, "Ice Cream for Dinner!" while we were dancing and the room went CRAZY. As they should. "Ice cream for dinner" is the new WOOT.

Yesterday I told Jen I was sick and she totally reignighted my obsession with Ice Cream For Dinner by suggesting it.

Being sick rules.

~~~*~~~

Since I'm at home wasted on Nyquil and eating ice cream for dinner (and obviously delirous with joy), I've been talking to Pandy on IM. I told him I was having a barfy day and he sent me this:

Needless to say, I called a TRL War of 1999/2000 jams.

I've fired up a few hits such as "Bye Bye Bye", "Make 'Em Say Uuh", "Steal My Sunshine", "The Boy is Mine" and "Summer Girls" by LFO.

However, Pandy is on the top of his game with "She Bangs", "Larger Than Life", "Back That Thing Up", "Say My Name" and "If You Had My Love" by Jennifer Lopez.

I was scolling around frantically looking for a good one, and he just hit me with something so disgustingly awesome that I had to call him:

"Oh my god."

"Hee."

"Oh my GOD! I LOVED THIS SONG!"

"All better?"

"All better. I love you."

"This is the best barfy day ever."

TRL VIDEOS ARE SOOOOOO ICE CREAM FOR DINNER.

I'd like to wish Pancake Master and Shortcake MVP RØB a belated Happy Birthday.

I would ALSO like to wish everyone else a belated Hump Day, if you know what I mean (and you absolutely will after you watch this Paul Rudd clip):

YOU'RE WELCOME.

Sorry I havn't written in a while.

They moved my desk at work, so now instead of being in an office with a wall of windows, I am now in what I affectionately refer to as the "Copy Cave." It's cozy, dark and private, so I was loving it for a while.

Unfortunately it's right by a tower of electical outlets, so it caused interference with my computer monitor and made everything wavy (and as my co-worker Jeff pointed out, I'm probably infertile). I didn't notice it for a while, but gradually I started getting more and more seasick. By the middle of last week I was completely nauseous after 10 seconds of sitting at my desk.

I've had the pleasure of using every crappy extra 1997 monitor in the building and a variety of lamps that haven't passed safety regulations. Needless to say, I still want to barf and I have no idea what to do next. They've ordered me a new monitor, but supposedly it's just like the one I have now, which means I'm screwed. And blind.

So yeah... obviously the last thing I want to do is stare at a computer screen any longer than I have to, let alone attempt to be funny and creative. I just want to throw up in my mouth a little bit and die. 

On the plus side, I haven't been able to eat breakfast or lunch for the past week and a half, so my dinners have been amazing. 

Other stuff while I have a brief moment of clarity - my dad is still doing okay, I am addicted to The Paper, my friends are all over the flu and while life sucks in some respects, in other ways it's the best it's been in a while. More specifically, I like who I am kissing. I've liked him since the day I met him and I think it's a hoot that he likes me back.

This is how much I've liked him: I liked him when I was with Brian. I even liked him when I was with TSGoC. I would have dumped both of them to kiss this boy and now I get to all the time, so neener.

Also before I forget, check out this German cell phone commercial featuring Snoop Dogg and my awesome friend Iain:

I'm not even going to spell-check this entry; that's how tired and dizzy I am from typing this. 

Boys and cool friends aside, DON'T YOU FEEL BAD FOR ME?? Who wants to buy me this shirt? 

My dad is out of the hospital with his leg intact; thank you for the prayers and support. Here are the rest of those Italy pictures.

Our trip to Italy actually began and ended in Rome. But before I jump into the pictures, I need to tell you about the Jersey Boys' revolutionary philosophy, the One Punch Rule.

Basically, the One Punch Rule would give men permission to punch a woman in the face. But just one woman, one time. Then you would have to register with the government and cash in your One Punch. 

It makes sense, when you think about it. Women can be pretty low sometimes. So if your special lady decides to gamble away your money, cheat on you with your best friend, etc., you could (by law) give her a good one right in the kisser. Jen and I thought this was hysterical and were not offended at all. * Some actions deserve a punch in the face, and speaking from experience, punching a girl in the face when she deserves it feels intoxicating.  

The reason I'm telling you this is because as our plane was taking off on the way to Rome, we hit some turbulence and the plane was shaking to a terrifying degree. I did what I normally do: close my eyes, grip the armrests and cry on the inside.

Ray, however, turned to Jen and said, "Jen - I think you're awesome... you're like the coolest girl I've ever met... but if this plane goes down, I'm using my One Punch on you. I have to do the One Punch before I die. I'm sorry."

Okay so, Rome. One of the first things we did was visit the Vatican.

And guess what we had the audacity to do? You guessed it: climb to the top.

That dome part at the top doesn't exactly even out in the inside... you have to bend yourself sideways like a V-8 commercial for about 3 flights of stairs, with teeny little holes in the wall for breathing. I literally passed two people having almost-heart attacks.

The Vatican was nice enough to install an elevator at the very top. All around the edge of the roof were statues of various saints. The space in front of the elevator, however, was empty. We convinced Frank to go stand in it, and naturally he was doing this:

... right when an elevator full of hardcore Catholics arrived at the roof. Serious stinkeyes all around.

After that, we had the pleasure of participating in the shittiest walking tour that Italy has to offer. This Brazilian guy named Paolo promised to take us around teach us about Rome.

However, Paolo had trouble speaking both English and Italian. He also brought his girlfriend with us and talked to her the whole time. So basically, we all paid eighteen bucks (or 8 billion lire) to tag along on Paolo's date.




We did see a few cool things, including the Mouth of Truth. Supposedly if you think of a lie and stick your hand in, the mouth will bite you. I bragged to everyone that I thought of a lie, but honestly I was too scared.

Here is some stuff:





The breaking point for our tour, however, came when we arrived at the Coliseum. First Jen and I had to deal with various obscene come-ons from the fake Roman guards, who apparently spend their entire day chain-smoking and whistling at chicks.

So Paolo stopped in front of the Coliseum and started telling us about it.

"Aren't we going to go in?" we asked.

"No no no, I can tell you everything from out here," Paolo said, fumbling through a tour book. "Okay. Have you ever seen the movie Gladiator?" 

I think Ray flat-out walked away at that point.  Later we came back by ourselves and went inside.











I hate to be a buzzkill, but it was smaller than I imagined it would be. We ended up sitting at the top for a while to eat PB&Js.

And what did we discuss while sitting in one of the greatest landmarks in the entire world?

Truckasaurus vs. Robosaurus. Obviously.

Up next, we went to Capri.

Ask Frank how that went.

So after Venice, Florence and Sienna, we came back to Rome for the flight home. We ended up stopping at a few more cool spots, like the Trevi Fountain. This is where tourists come to throw in a coin and make a wish. I have some pictures of us but they turned out pretty butt-ugly. So here is a postcard:




Another site that you will only see a postcard of is the Sistine Chapel. It is pretty tacky and gaudy. Like the statue of David, we were not allowed to take pictures. Unlike the statue of David, they had more than one tour guide enforcing this rule.  I got a crick in my neck staring at these dudes:

That was one of those moments where I tried as hard as possible to absorb the memory. I mean, I still can't believe I was there.

One memory I don't have a picture or postcard of, but will always cherish, is the smoking porch of our hostel. I was the only smoker in our group so I spent a lot of time sitting around with strangers.

One night I sat at the little card table with an English girl, a Scottish girl, a Canadian girl, a Kiwi lady and a gay Frenchmen, and we all traded stories about date-rapey Italian men.

~~~*~~~

I believe our last night was when we went to the Piazza de Spagna. This was another one of those spots where Europeans go to just lay around, play the guitar and drink wine.

We mostly talked to our Kiwi buddies and the guy who played "Wonderwall" on the guitar, but I have to say it's the best party I've ever been to and I can't believe Romans get to do it every day.

When in Rome, indeed.

* My ex-boyfriend told me that after this conversation, Frank told him I was "too cute to punch in the face." I honestly can't think of a better compliment. Thanks Frank!  ;) 

Can you guys please pray for my dad?

(And my mom, and me, but mainly my dad.)

Thank you very much.  

In belated honor of Earth Day, I thought I'd show you some of my favorite parts of the planet. First up: Venice. This is without a doubt the most beautiful city I've ever seen. It will probably be underneath melted glaciers by the time you are ready for retirement, so I would book your tickets soon. Happy Earth Day!

Note to Boys: Despite all my mixed feelings about marriage, I would say yes to anyone if they proposed to me here. Compulsive gambler? Alcoholic? Deadbeat? Yes, yes and yes. Doesn't matter. I do. Venice just does it for me.

A city without cars is so weird and yet so right. Sure, they have moving trucks and a few other helpful vehicles, but even the taxis and ambulances are boats. The streets are all narrow and windy and it makes you feel like you're on another planet.
 

 
You can't tell from this picture, but I'm wearing my "I Survived Catholic School" T-Shirt. I actually went to public school and I just thought the shirt was funny. However, I forgot how many Catholics would be running around Italy. I only got the stinkeye once, to my knowledge.

This was the view from our hotel room. When we went to the hotel, the lady took one look at us and rolled her eyes.

"You are American."

The boys nodded and asked for a room. One room. For five people. She gave the boys a once-over and flashed a "hussy" glare at me and Jen.

"Here is key," she sighed, clearly expecting the worst. "No drink-ay; no ba ba ba."

We are still trying to figure out what exactly "ba ba ba" means, though this quickly became our favorite go-to joke.
 

 


Nothing sets the mood for ba ba ba like a romantic 5-person gondola ride!

The most fascinating part of our hotel room was the toilet/shower combination. Or as my old roommate called it, "common f*cking sense."

I think I've mentioned this before, but the gelato (Italian ice cream) was so delicious that we ended up buying peanut butter, jelly and bread. This way we could spend our entire food budget on gelato. Teamwork at its finest!

And oh yes, there was more gelato in Florence:

In Florence, we took an amazing walking tour. Props to Jen for finding the flyer and demanding that we go because it was reccommended by Rick Steves. This tour totally made up for Paolo's appalling tour of Rome, which I will explain some other day.





In Florence, we saw amazing art and gorgeous buildings. I wrote all of the names down somewhere but hey, you can google them. You're on the Internet right now, after all. So here's a crazy church:

A god going pee-pee in a fountain:

The one about rape:

And of course, Michelangelo's David. We weren't supposed to take pictures of it but everyone totally was. They had one poor guy running from tourist to tourist, clapping his hands and crying "Hey hey hey! No!" I just waited until he was on the other side of the room.

I never thought art would take away my breath the way David did. I can't describe what it feels like to see it in person, so you should just go. But for now, enjoy this picture. I like the angle I shot here; it makes it look like he has his finger in his mouth, all "Hee hee, I'm naked."

Jen turned out to be the Italy MVP. She suggested that while in Florence, we take a day trip to Sienna which was supposedly "really pretty". It totally was and it was worth the train ride. Steve ditched us that day to go to Pisa and stare at a tower for six hours.

One of the best things about Europe is that it is full of gorgeous parks and historical hotspots where hundreds of people come to just lay around and chill out. You don't see that much in the states but I am convinced it's the way to go.

Once we were relaxed to the max, we had a flash of insanity and decided to climb the tower. THIS tower:






Oh yes we did. On these stairs:

Once we got to the top, however, I was blown away. It was truly the most amazing view I've ever had, and probably will ever have.

We took pictures of each other high-fiving and stuff, but we were so sweaty and gross after that climb. I need permission before I post pictures of my friends like that, especially if I plan on cropping myself out of them. So here is the view:










Up next: Rome!