I'm sort of in love with these brothers:





"You have a freaking boner for that freaking camera; get out of my faaaace!"

I know what you're thinking - HOAX - but the first tantrum the kid threw is something that can't be faked. It looks exactly like that exorcism I saw at Church Camp (you heard me):





So what's your favorite part? I can't decide between:

•  the part where he emerges from underneath the covers magically undressed,

•  the part where he walks in the closet for approximately 1 second,

•  the part where he contemplates... sticking a remote up his ass?
  

•   or, the twerpy way his brother dashes back in the room to grab the camera.
  

I seriously watched the entire series of Stephen Tantrums TWICE today and highly recommend them. Don't miss:

Stephen Protests Vacuum Cleaning!

Stephen Beats His 16th Birthday Present with a Baseball Bat!

Stephen Gets "Betrayed"!

Stephen Smash Guitar RAAH!

Stephen Gets Beat Down By Grandma!

From what I can gather, this family is filthy rich. I appreciate the brother's ability to capitalize on this. Man, if Stephen was my son, I would spend all my free time pissing him off. Hilarious.

... don't blog anything at all. And WOW don't talk to me or about me if you've been drinking since 2. ESPECIALLY if you are kidding.

Today is a bit of an angry day. Be afraid.

Last week, my buddies/favorite podcasters Frank & Erik gave me the sweetest, most complementary shout-out and asked listeners to donate to my cause. How cute is that?

It's just before the 57 minute mark of Episode 38, but you should really listen to the whole thing. I legitimately laugh out loud repeatedly during every F&E episode. Heck, download/stream all the archives, too. It's truly the best thing on the Internet. (At least play Episode 19, where I smootch a drunk Davy Rothbart in the intro.)

I have been looking for ways to pledge my allegiance (aside from Tiger Beatesque entries like this) and thankfully they've made buttons... featuring Frank's jort-adorned crotch*:

Trust me, YOU NEED FRANK & ERIK INTERNET FAMOUS IN YOUR LIFE. And if they're already in your life, you already know how much you need Frank's Jort Junk on your backpack and/or jean jacket. Subscribe today. Get a button. Be awesome.

*I swear, I wrote "pledge my allegiance" and "jort-adorned" before I read Erik's entry... I ain't changing it! We're both brilliant! Suck it!

... when you miss that dang Final Jeopardy:

MERCHANDISE HERE, LOL.   He was awesome. He got a Daily Double and everyone in South City passed out from excitement.

In unrelated news (aside from the fact that it's also awesome) RØB's Jeopardy episode is starting RIGHT NOW. I'll take TOTALLY PSYCHED for $400, Alex.

Yesterday Justin and I went to the Black Madonna Shrine, a very beautiful collection of mosaics and quartz grottoes built by a monk from the Franciscan Missionary Brothers of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. We didn't even make it to the coolest part; who wants to go back with us?

This is the perfect day trip for anyone who loves nature, photography, hiking, art or religious monuments. NOTE: THIS IS EVERYONE I KNOW.

I overheard one of the monks on the phone; he said the past couple of years have been hard and low on visitors. So please go! They have picnic tables! It's the prettiest!

(Full Album here.)

Liz is coming to town in less than two weeks for our High School Reunion, and I couldn't be happier.

I've known this girl for almost 20 years, and since Rachael and I aren't friends anymore (a decision that was easier for me to make than I thought), my friendship with Liz is the longest friendship that I have. I was the Maid of Honor at her wedding and if I get married, she'll be the Maid of Honor at mine.

Last night when I was hanging out with my dad (who has been doing more hallucinating than eating these days and it sucks), I realized that Liz is one of the only friends who can truly understand what I'm going through with him. And as my oldest friend,  she's probably the only one who has spent a lot of time with my dad as opposed to meeting him briefly. 

If the past month has taught me anything, it's that I've been blessed with incredible friends who want to help me just because they like me. But - and no offense to anyone - it will be such a relief to talk to someone my age who knows how much this disease has eaten away at my dad... a friend who can look at him and see the man he used to be (and know that he's still that man on the inside).

But above all, it will just be nice to see her in general. She's my best friend in the world and she cracks me up and she always says the exact thing you need to hear in every situation (and it's always 100% sincere).

Sometimes God brings the perfect person into your life exactly when you need them, like someone from home when you're so far away (Jen), someone who makes makes you laugh when you're stuck in the woods with your ex (Erin), or someone who - in the middle of the scariest time of your life - manages to make you feel like the happiest, luckiest person on Earth (Jake Gyllenhaal. Kidding; Justin.)

But then there are the people who are somehow always with you no matter how far away they are... and when you see them, a lifetime of memories and laughter and support all come rushing back, and it doesn't just fill a hole in your heart. It mends a heart that's been shattered.

I told everyone at the benefit that I was afraid of crying while holding a microphone - that I did it once before at a wedding and it was embarrassing. It was Liz's wedding (and in case you weren't at the benefit: yes, I cried on stage in front of all my friends while holding a microphone, andIdon'twanttotalkaboutit).

Well, NOW my biggest fear is that when I see her at the airport, I'm going to hug her and cry really hard and freak everyone out. But... maybe she'll cry, too. Or maybe we'll just shriek and jump around. Or maybe we'll just laugh and go to Applebee's and share quesadillas with no tomatoes like we always do. You guys, Liz is so awesome. And man, this is exactly what I need.

Last night Erin made this psychotically good Martha Stewart pot roast for Justin, myself, Vee and 6 other lucky folks:





She also made this SUUUUUPER yummy apple cake (and hightly recommended Smitten Kitchen). Yes, I totally stalked Erin's recipes this morning.

But the most important part? She made me laugh my ass off when she posted this conversation.

It was a great evening; Erin is a wonderful hostess and remarkably good cook. Also, it was me and Justin's 3 month anniversary! Thanks for making us dinner, Erin!! 

Since I posted the Thank You video , I have received $425 more in donations, with checks still on the way. What on earth.

Here are some awesome videos that The Captain recorded of Kevin Buckley and The Takedown at 3 Cheers for the Weirs. Thanks dude!

Yesterday was our Opposite Anniversary (11-8... because our anniversary was 8-11). So to celebrate, I made him an Opposite Mix:





Justin makes incredible mixes that I can't compete with ("Tammy Smith" by Wesley Willis? C'mon!) so I don't even try. He may know every beautiful hipster love song on the planet, but I am an expert in the miserable.

Behold, my favorite amazing songs about terrible dysfunctional relationships:

1. I Want to Break Free - Queen

2. Lola - The Kinks

3. I Never Loved a Man (The Way I Love You) - Aretha Franklin

4. Cecelia - Simon & Garfunkel

5. Train in Vain - The Clash

6. Jive Talkin' - Bee Gees

7. Who's Lovin' You - Jackson 5

8. Suspicious Minds - Elvis

9. Hold Me Now - Thompson Twins

10. Love the One You're With - Stephen Stills

11. Don't Think Twice, It's All Right - Bob Dylan

12. 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover - Paul Simon

3 Cheers For The Weirs: The Reveal from Secretly Stephie on Vimeo.

So far today: Veterans Day Parade, an attempt at Grant's Farm (I saw a zebra!), The Toy Museum (sucked), King Edward's Chicken and Fish, CityGarden (AWESOME!) and now Justin is winding his stereo camera and I am like, "Oh yeah, I have to write a blog."

Here's the crowd at the concert (80 people?) cheering so my dad could hear how many people were there. I don't know who yelled, "Just tell us when!" but I bet it was Jess. Was it Jess?

Actually between the 'stache, my brother's Cosby sweater and my mullet-esqe bangs, you really can't get any f*%king cooler than my family.

3 Cheers for the Weirs, TOMORROW NIGHT!!!

P.S. I saw a UFO last night!!! Do I have a picture? Come to Off Broadway tomorrow and find out!

I left my brush at his house after camping. It was a busy weekend, so he dropped it in my mail slot while I was still in the county. In a baggie. With a sticker attacked. This right here. This is why I'm crazy about him:

The other night, Justin and I carved a pumpkin. When I stood up after kneeling for so long, I yelled from the pain.

Later as we watched TV, I asked, "Will you still like me when I have creaky old people joints?"

"Of course I will!" he exclaimed.

Then in the sweetest, sing-songy whisper, he added, "It means you can't run away from me."





I lost my phone during a monsoon and this Pumpkin Head Dance is the only thing keeping me sane.





Most importantly, "Pumpkin Head" reminds me of "Puppet Head"... I was friends with Francis for about a year before I realized that he was Puppet Head Frank. Pretty much the best thing you can realize about a friend.

So what are you guys *cough*3cheersfortheweirs*coughcough* up to next week?

... but I finally got myself a fancy Webster hoodie.





Yesterday I went to the Colts game - sorry, Rams game - with Justin, his mom and his stepdad. This was my very first professional football game. I discovered that when I actually care what is happening, I'll yell "WHOOOOAAAH!" Happened during every play, whether I liked it or not.

The Rams have sucked all year so I bought the Webster hoodie instead; they have the same colors. Besides, hanging with all my old Webster pals and having a Webster boyfriend has made me appreciate those years more than usual. Gorlock pride!

The game was sold out despite the team's horrible year; we quickly realized the crowd was 90% Colts fans. So weird! Justin's family was thrilled. I was okay with rooting for the Colts because (a)  I've never been too invested in football and (b) Peyton Manning still cracks me up:

Afterwards, we went to The Dubliner on Washington, Dressel's Public House in the Central West End, and Guido's on The Hill. They were all new to me, and all amazing. Justin texted me every time I was in the bathroom to tell me how much his mom loves me. Hooray!!

I know this is old but when I see videos like this, it simultaneously reminds me of how much youth has changed and how much it hasn't. I logged hundreds of hours doing the exact same schtick, except it was done in front of my bedroom mirror, totally loving it and sort of embarrassed as it was happening: 





If you've already seen that kid's video or you refuse to sit through a Black Eyed Peas song even once, just enjoy the brilliant moments at 2:20 and 3:10.  Pretty sure that's the lady who lived below me for 3 years.

Videos like that (and blogs, Facebook, Myspace, sexting,etc.) make me so relieved that the Internet didn't turn into, you know, THE Internet until I was old enough to know better.

However, it does make me wonder what I would have jammed to publicly - both on my YouTube channel and in front of Apple Store shoppers in NYC - as opposed to alone and ashamed with my door locked and barricaded.

Ladies and gents, picture me in a B.U.M. Equipment sweatshirt or a Yaga Tee with a middle hair part and some jorts, and you've set the scene for some of the best damn lip-syncing you woulda ever witnessed:

• Vision of Love by Mariah Carey
• I Will Always Love You by Whitney Houston
• If by Janet Jackson
• Sunday Morning by No Doubt
• Backup vocals on Ooh Child by Dino
• Shoop by Salt 'n Pepa
• Chili's part in any song by TLC
  
• You Outta Know by Alanis Morisette
• And about 600 hours of dancing like this, um, FLAWLESSLY:

And I'm not making fun of this kid at all. In fact, if I was his age today, I would have made the following video weekly - at least until I had one wearing every outfit I own:

Justin and I went to the pumpkin patch today. I had wanted to name Jason's dog the above title, but he said, "Go to hell. Meet Bacon." Pumpkin tribute it is.

This morning I also went to Urgent Care for a 3-day tummy ache. It's not a tumor or a case of the babies so I'm okay. In lots of pain, but I'll live.

Last night I was moaning about how I never have time for myself, and today was full of insane plans like ANOTHER Dad surgery and Thrill The World, but now I have to stay home and read my vampire stories.

This would be awesome except I had planned to nurse my wounds with an amazing block of Collier's Powerful Welsh Cheddar... but I just checked my prescription and it says I'm not allowed to eat dairy. D'OH!

Today I learned about Turban Gourds - aka Super Mario Pumpkins!

1. Saying "Cheese and Crackers" when I get angry. This flew out of my mouth - for absolutely no reason I can fathom -  one night during traffic. I laughed so hard, I forgot what I was mad at. Jesus probably appreciated it, too. So we'll give it a shot.

2. Starting a photo series called "Real Teens, Real Talk" where my friends sit backwards on a chair and look into the camera all serious. I'm trying to think of hilarious captions for everyone regarding STDs and drugs and stuff.

3. Since 11-8 is me and Justin's Opposite Anniversary (actual is 8-11), I'm gonna make an opposite mix-tape full of amazing songs about terrible relationship, like "Suspicious Minds" by Elvis and "Cecelia" by Simon and Garfunkel. As Veronica says, "Of course you are. Of course." Don't tell him!


4. 3 Cheers for the Weirs. New raffle prizes include 2 cases of beer and Blues tickets. Last night someone at The Royale recognized me as "that girl throwing a concert for her parents." I don't know which is better: that this is how I introduced myself to my new city, or that my new city introduced themselves to me by being so eager to help. Anyways, I think Graham got drunk with Beatle Bob and invited him? My life has gotten so weird.

5. My Halloween costume, which, UGH I do not have time to work on at all. Right now I'm thinking Juice Box or something related to idea #2. Anybody know where I could quickly find a Looney Tunes t-shirt in 2009, besides Six Flags?


Isn't that picture the Björkest I have ever Björked?